
Kat John

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One month. No meat. What a difference it can make! Here’s why we should all give No Meat May a go this year.
Mountains stretch down to coastal plains, which hug the curves of over 100 pristine beaches, all gazing out towards the stunning waters of the...
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It’s healthier to make your own baked beans. Plus, this recipe is simply delicious!
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This fruity cocktail is a sweet summer drink that’s super easy to make. The combination of strawberry ice cream and coconut milk makes for a...
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Spraying sheets and pillows with calming scents can be a wonderful aid to slumber
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A skincare routine can be a way to nourish yourself inside and out
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Do you just want to win the fight? Or are you ready to create the authentic, loving relationship you’ve always wanted?
I don’t know about you, but there’s a stubborn part of me that just loves to be right! This part likes to prove my partner is in the wrong and deflect any kind of responsibility when I am. This, my friends, is our ego. It’s the part of yourself that protects you from feeling hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, or wrong – and will do just about everything it can to defend itself (aka, you!).
While this might not sound so bad, it doesn’t go so well when you’re in a relationship, and especially when you are in an argument with two egos at play. This can lead us down a path of emotional manipulation. We might shut our partner out and give them the cold shoulder. I think we’ve all been in ‘don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t breathe near me’ land. It can ruin an entire day. In truth, this isn’t the place either person wants to be in.
When I have acted in this way towards my partner, I know deep down it isn’t in alignment with my values or my authentic self. But the ego will excuse bad behaviour and blame it on lack of sleep, the kids, the house being messy, or just about anything else to avoid admitting fault.
Feeling the hurt we’ve inflicted on our partner doesn’t feel so crash hot. But when we do admit fault and eat that not-so-tasty humble pie, we land back in our hearts. And this leads to a more open, loving, and authentic relationship dynamic.
Here are some pieces of humble pie that can strengthen your relationship, with yourself and with each other.
Do you talk over your partner in an argument? Perhaps you want to make a point that’s bigger and better than theirs? Yep, me too. But this doesn’t get us anywhere. When any of us feel unheard, we feel misunderstood and unacknowledged, and this hits some pretty deep childhood wounds. In a relationship, you both deserve to be heard, which means you need to listen up. When you actively listen to what your partner is sharing, you may even be able to hear the real message behind their words. If you can acknowledge how they feel and even what they’re not saying, real healing can take place.
Being the first one to put down the ego’s sword and armour can be tough. However, waiting for the other person to make a move can create even greater stress in yourself and more tension between the two of you. You’ll tell yourself that it’s weak to make the first move or to be vulnerable – but being vulnerable is different to being a pushover. From your heart, tell your partner you’re hurting, that you want better for the relationship, or anything else your heart needs to share. Speaking your truth will free you. So be brave, tell your truth, and let the outcome unfold.
When you notice an argument is going around and around in circles about the same thing, going nowhere, then pull the pin on your need to be right. Or at the very least, take a breather and put some space between you, so you can both cool your jets. While taking this space, focus on clearing the charged thoughts in your mind and emotions in your body. You might write down all your thoughts and feelings to help purge them, take a walk to clear and calm your nervous system, or whatever is constructive for you to loosen up and let go of the restricted view you currently have.
You can’t change your partner’s responses or make them take responsibility for their actions, but you can choose to swallow your own egoic pride. Taking responsibility for your contribution to an argument will help you to grow and evolve, and hopefully your relationship too. Take a minute (or 10) to observe how you spoke, the tone you used, and how you reacted emotionally and physically. By taking responsibility for yourself and your behaviour, your self-awareness grows and there is room for positive change – for you and the relationship.
There are two very good reasons to say sorry. The first is to apologise to your partner when you are dead set in the wrong. You may have acted out while they have legit done nothing but breathed in the same space as you. Say sorry when your response is out of proportion to what’s going on: “Hey, that had nothing to do with you. I’ve got stuff going on that I don’t know how to deal with, and you were an easy target. I’m sorry.”
The second reason is to apologise for how your partner is feeling, but not for how they’re saying you made them feel. If you have authentically shared some tough love with your partner to remain aligned with your true self or for their own benefit, then stay in your power. “I’m sorry that you feel this way right now, but I truly believe that what I shared with you is for your greatest good, even if you don’t agree or can’t see it right now.”
We’ve all played the martyr at some point. It gives us a false sense of power and control, but ultimately sets up everyone to fail. Maybe you try and do it all, from cleaning the house, doing the shopping, and cooking the meals to going to work, providing support, and everything else you do to prove you’re fine. But if you keep that facade up, it’s going to come undone pretty quickly. Stop, just stop. It’s okay to ask for help. Lean on your partner a little, let them in. You’ll project less pressure and anxiety onto those in your life. You may even create more harmony around you because you are more chill.
***
What we’re doing here is teaching ourselves to come back to our hearts. For too long, leading with the heart has been seen as weak. We’ve been conditioned to act from our heads, as if that is all that we are. But when the heart is used in combination with courage, vulnerability, and authenticity, your relationship will have a very real chance at being fabulous. When you choose how you show up and contribute to your relationship, you give it the best chance of being everything you would truly love it to be.
If you want to get your gut in order, Dr Will Bulsiewicz is the expert to help you sort out fact from fiction. This is the gut-health cheat sheet...
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There is a link between the climate crisis and what’s on our plates. The hard facts are astounding, as is the difference a plant-based change...
Wholefoods may just save your life, and at the very least, they will deliver a host of health benefits. Here’s what you need to know to get...
Mountains stretch down to coastal plains, which hug the curves of over 100 pristine beaches, all gazing out towards the stunning waters of the...
We know we’d benefit from it, but we just can’t do it! Here are five ways to find your flow state through a more active form of meditation.
There’s a serum for every skin condition, but which active ingredients do what? This is the guide to vegan and sustainably sourced serums...
This salad is a take on urap sayur that instead uses crumbled tempeh and toasted almonds to top the dish. A balance of spicy, sweet, and sour...
This is the perfect plant-based brownie for the brownie connoisseur. Years in the making, and now captured for you to enjoy. It’s as much for...
If you haven’t tried sweet pizza before, it’s time to fix that! In this recipe, homemade pizza bases are smothered with sweet bechamel, and...
Burgs are life! We love all the classics, and they are tastier and better for you when filled with plants.
Healthy, satisfying and flavoursome, this pad kee mao is vibrant Thai food at its best.
Smashed avocado on toast is perhaps the most popular breakfast or brunch item out there, and as much as we love the mighty avo, it generally has...
Light, citrusy, and super refreshing, this cocktail starring Licor 43 Horchata and limoncello tastes like Mediterranean summer in a glass.
Spraying sheets and pillows with calming scents can be a wonderful aid to slumber
The next time you go for a walk, discover the wonder of the everyday world around you
A skincare routine can be a way to nourish yourself inside and out
When the clouds converge, practise gratitude for the smallest of glimmers, and learn to dance in the rain.