The options are endless with online dating ... or are they? Here's how to overcome any dietary dealbreakers.
The dating world has come a long way since going digital. Now, we can connect with people from all around the country, or even around the globe … and yet dating can seem as arduous as ever. And, when our lifestyle differs from the norm – even in something as innocuous as a dietary preference – we may face additional challenges that are unique to our beliefs. But with a little patience, understanding, and clear communication, you never know how that swipe right might turn out.
VEXED BY VALUES
We may hold strong sentiments that accompany our decision to be plant-based – whether for the animals, our health, or the environment. There are also numerous perceptions and misconceptions about ‘those vegan types’. When dating someone who doesn’t share your beliefs or is unwilling to explore your perspectives, friction can arise.
Cam is a 49-year-old vegan, pansexual man, who has dated both vegan and non-vegan people. “It comes down to a core belief system,” he says. “It’s really hard to be in a relationship with people who aren’t in alignment with my morals and ethics.” Adam, a tall, muscular man, finds it humorous that people are shocked to discover he has been vegan 10 years. He agrees it can be challenging when values differ. “I’ve tried to date people who aren’t vegan, but it never works.” In Adam’s experience, his beliefs were too challenging for the women he dated, despite having other things in common.
Take heart! Not everyone views the plant-based diet as a dealbreaker in the dating world. Cam has also had many successful experiences where his date researched vegan-friendly eateries ahead of a meet up. Successful relationships always include an element of compromise, however, people with strong belief systems can find this particularly difficult.
JUDGEMENT GOES TWO WAYS
Vegans or vegetarians can often feel judged for simply being true to themselves. Jack, 27, has had a number of women bail on him when they discovered he uses his social media accounts to share information about animal exploitation. “It’s really disappointing. They don’t want to meet because I stand up for things I believe in,” he says. “I’d never bail on a date because they eat meat.”
Sophie, vegan for five years, has been told several times that her date expected her to be ‘one of those arsehole vegans’. She notes that understanding and respecting other people’s values are equally important within a relationship. “I wasn’t always vegan,” she says. “It’s worth getting to know someone, as long as we respect each other.”
You may find that your date is tolerant of your dietary choices but doesn’t quite understand why it’s important to you. Remember, relationships require everyone to keep their judgement in check. And, for those of us exploring plant-based living, this might mean maintaining patience for those who don’t yet understand our values.
Cam says, “I want someone who’s encouraging and supportive, and open to participating in a vegan lifestyle.” This is an entirely understandable preference, and it’s not asking too much. However, we may also need to accept the other person for what they value, which may not include exploring a plant-based lifestyle for themselves. If that doesn’t feel right for you, you’ll need to limit your search to those with a similar lifestyle to your own.
THE NUMBERS GAME
Vegan Australia estimates that vegans comprise only two percent of the Australian population, so it can be a pretty small dating pool. US statistics suggest that 80 percent of vegans are women, leaving the numbers very imbalanced, regardless of someone’s sexual preference. The number of eligible singles can be even smaller in certain age groups and locations. It’s a predicament faced by many plant-based singles, complicated by a desire to find a compatible person with shared values.
Cam has dated men, women, trans and non-binary people, and finds that the population is skewed towards omnivores and heterosexual people. “After a few years of dating omni people with the hope they’ll change, I go back to dating vegans. And then full circle again, because the pool is so small.” Jack reminds himself that everyone has the capacity to learn and change, and is open to dating non-vegans. He finds being upfront about his lifestyle helps to open discussion. “Most people are fine with it. It helps to not take things personally if they say something disparaging about veganism.”
There are several vegan dating groups, sites, and apps available, with mixed responses from those using them – mostly due to the small pool of eligible singles. One of the larger Facebook groups is Vegan Singles Australia, created by Brittany Birrell. The group has over 4,000 diverse members, and boasts a number of successful partnerships, marriages, and casual hookups.
Sophie says, “It’s great to meet other vegans, but a relationship is based on so much more than both of us being vegan.” Her comment highlights the importance of being open to finding a truly compatible partner, with veganism being only one aspect of a successful relationship.
THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE … POTENTIALLY
While the dating game can often feel hopeless, regardless of your dietary preference, knowing how to overcome the initial barriers during the ‘getting to know you’ phase can open up your options. Clare Mann is a vegan psychologist and communications specialist. After noticing many of her clients struggling with relationships, she created a short course to share techniques that help ease dating frustrations.
1. Use questions in conversation
“People’s associations are very different. For instance, we may define compassion differently and we have no idea what’s going on inside someone else’s head,” says Clare. By questioning what someone thinks, believes, or means by their words, you’re opening up conversation where differing values can be understood by both people.
2. Identify your boundaries
By knowing what you’re willing (or not willing) to compromise on, you can approach potential partners with clarity and honesty. For example, Sophie finds compromise in keeping her home a vegan space, but outside of that, she understands her dates eat animal products. Define for yourself what you’re willing to accept and remember that staying true to your own values is important for your self-relationship.
3. Learn how to communicate clearly
Someone who isn’t vegan probably won’t understand why you’re upset about their egg and bacon roll. Explain your values so they connect the dots and communicate any boundaries you might have. If they can’t respect your values, then consider what influence this could have on your relationship and happiness within it.
4. Focus on the whole person, not one aspect
Someone who doesn’t currently share your lifestyle or dietary choices may well share other interests and passions. Relationships are with a whole person, not one aspect. And, you never know, they may be open to learning more and taking a few plant-based steps with you.
